dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
