Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
4 words: hood of his car
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
why do cheetos always look like penises
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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