New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
