I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
