i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
