she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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