if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
