My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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