I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
