dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
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