this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
