I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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