would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
