I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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