My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
