Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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