Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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