There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
