My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
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