Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
