I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
