I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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