You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
