I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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