If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
