R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
