I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Randomize
