Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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