I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
