the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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