all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
