Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
