sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
