You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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