2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
