remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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