My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I think my vagina is haunted
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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