my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
