I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
