I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
