No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
