I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
