Will you blow on my dice?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Pants are for mortals