I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.