woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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