Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
