he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
