i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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