we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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