What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
