you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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