I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
