He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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