i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
