Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
