it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
