Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
