Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
