i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
