Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
